Spiraling

I feel like I've come to a screeching halt. Why am I here, and where am I going? I don't necessarily envy people who have it all figured out from day one, but I do recognize that it must be nice having one less huge thing to worry about.

I have suddenly come to question my motives. My major was an easy choice for me, an almost instant one. There was little-to-no debate about it. But why? Was it because my friends were doing it, was it because my sister had done it, or was it because it is truly what I love to do? Lately I have come to the realization that I'm not doing as well as I should be. I know I have it in me, but the motivation just fizzled. I have no drive, no passion for what I'm learning. I find myself wanting to do other things. I find myself wanting to do anything but learning what I should. This scares me a lot. What if I'm not where I should be? What if I should have majored in Art, or English? I'm very good at both. I'm feeling lost, with no choice but to blunder on. I hate this feeling. I want to see the path ahead, not this cloudy nothingness.

Today in cell bio I saw a guy drinking tea and eating a strawberry Nutri-grain bar. It's what I have every morning in that class. I wonder if he saw me and thought, hey that looks kinda good...? Maybe I will start a trend, and everyone will soon find their backpacks filled with breakfast bar wrappers and the backseats of their cars littered with empty tea bottles. Or not.

I love to read before I go to bed. Even if it's a book I've read a thousand times already, it's so nice to take in the words and let my worried, frantic thoughts grow faint and disappear. I sleep so much better.

I really miss Evan, I think I would be feeling a thousand times better if he were here right now.