Goodbye, my friend.

Today [Saturday] I attended Candace’s memorial service. I can’t really describe it, it just hurts so much to know she’s gone. I had the opportunity to talk to some really old friends, friends that I haven’t seen in years, friends that used to be a majority of my life. It was strange to see everyone so much older, so different, so very sad. I wish I had gotten to see Candace, to talk to her, before this happened. I would really love to have seen what she was like now, see how similar she was to the girl I knew, and how dissimilar. I would have liked to have seen that smile, felt her kindness again, hugged her one last time. She was always so kind to me, no matter what. She possessed this razor sharp wit, and with it the ability to hurt, but she never did. I remember she used to say the sweetest things to me…things no one else would value as much as I did, and still do.

She always used it to argue, and she was so good at it, defeating her intellectual enemies quickly and with exuberance. That was another thing I admired her for: her passion and enthusiasm. We both played the violin in junior high and high school, but I gave up on it. We were about the same level of ability, but she had that passion. She loved it in a way that I never did, and she kept with it. I remember how she used to play, with her whole body, eyes focused on the page, her bow gliding back and forth with this profound, emphatic motion. I found out that she played for her college, UTSA. She drew from that love and fought on, never giving it up like I did. I found a whole notebook full of music earlier today; I’m thinking of picking up my violin again. It’s a very, very nice violin that I have kept, but haven’t used in a long time. I thought of selling it, but the thought always throws my heart into a twist; it’s my baby. I want to play again, now. It is one of the few connecting factors between Candace and me; without our violins we may have never know each other, not truly. I want to keep that. I do not want it to fade anymore, as our friendship did.

To all my friends and family out there, I ask you to take care. Be safe, please.